I often find myself wandering through the graveyards, shedding a single tear for the casualties of war. So many fallen soldiers, laid to waste by our enemies. It is truly such a senseless waste of human life. Military tombstones litter the graveyards by the thousand – each one a closing punctuation to the life it represents. 

So much war. So much death. 

This is exactly why you should enlist today! Our numbers are running thin and we need cannon fodder! 

Do you want to stand proud and tall amongst the rank of Oakwood’s Army? Or perhaps you’d rather rid yourself of all body hair and become a Hairless Chipmunk? Maybe you’d like us to make the decision for you? 

“Help me! I want to enlist so bad it’s actually giving me an erection but I don’t know how!”

Alright, alright, keep your voice down and don’t let the children see whatever is happening in your trousers. If you want to enlist simply fill out this handy questionnaire and we here at The War will process it, take you name, assign you a number, give you a gun, pat you on the head and say “good boy, Charlie”. Then we will kick you out of a plane and into an active war zone where the fully glory of this silly war will wash over you like warm mayonnaise on a Sunday afternoon in summer.

Name *
Do you own a machine gun?
Do you own a Sniper rifle?
Do you own a grenade?
Do you own a condom?
If I were shot the last place I would want to be shot is:
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is:
If I was left alone with a goat, I would:
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: