Fellow Chipmunks, 

It’s time to get serious. It’s time to remind you all why you are here. You are here to fight my enemy. My enemy. Not yours. Mine. Not his, either, that guy over there next to the Clostridium Botulinum petri dishes. MY ENEMY. Not her enemy, over there by the…wait who is that? Chipmunk #2385? Well, have her sent up to my room to…er… polish…um…my trophy… 

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Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my enemy. Let me make this perfectly clear. You are not here to fight for glory, you are not here to fight for freedom, and you are not here because the world needs you. If those are the reasons why you are here, I suggest you leave now and join Captain Douglass L Oakwood’s army and please, do help yourself to a Clostridium Botulinum cookie on the way out. 

Make no mistakes you are here because you should fear me. You should be terrified of me. You should pee pee piddle your big boy pants every time you see me and if you don’t, well, no harm done, I’m a nice guy, you can go, thanks for your time and please, do help yourself to a Clostridium Botulinum cookie on the way out. 

Now that we have established that I am the bad guy of this little saga, let’s move on. 

PLAN OF ATTACK

Intelligence has just shown us that the Captain has discovered that I am behind the recent attacks on his Mobile Command Units in Taiwan, Greenland and across the nuclear wastelands of New Caledonia. How he found out, after believing I was dead, I do not know. Perhaps the guerilla style of the attacks reminded the young Captain of his former enemy. Perhaps the few casualties we did suffer from our assaults, showed the Captain his enemy is hairless. Or perhaps it was my Facebook status simply stating, “You thought I was dead, but I’m not so suck on my fatty”

Due to the recent successful attacks and discovery of the Captain’s Mobile Command Units it is fair to assume that the location of Captain Limpwood is nearby. With that in mind, I hereby order Points Of Operations (POOs) setup in Taiwan, Greenland and across the arid nuclear wasteland of New Caledonia. 

Once we have erected our POOs, we shall sleep inside them, all warm and cosy and stay in our POOs until the enemy is sighted. Once sighted, we shall burst forth from our POOs and capture anyone that may know the whereabouts of one Captain Douglas Limpwood. Once fully emerged from our POOs we will reek, not of the smell of sweaty men, stuck for days in a single POO but we will reek of victory and we shall conquer. Well, I will conquer. 

So bloody well get on with it.

To other news, I have a new body double replacing the one that was so recently killed by the Captain.

Say hello, Fake Baron

(Insert the fake Baron waving his hand in greeting)

(Insert the fake Baron grabbing the dictation microphone from the real Baron’s hands)

Fellow Chipmunks,

It’s time to get serious…

(Insert the real Baron grabbing the dictation microphone from the fake Baron’s hands)

No no, you don’t speak. Only I speak…

(Insert the fake Baron grabbing the dictation microphone from the real Baron’s hands)

But I am the Baron

(Insert the real Baron grabbing the dictation microphone from the fake Baron’s hands)

No, no…. you don’t speak; you get shot, that’s all you do. Do you understand?

(Insert the fake Baron shaking his head)

Well I’m sure you’ll pick it up quickly.

That is for now, so until next time, stay terrified

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(Insert the fake Baron grabbing a Clostridium Botulinum cookie)

NO WAIT WAIT, DON’T EAT THAT!

(Insert Thump)

(PROFOUND WORD DELETED)

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