Welcome mercenaries, soldiers of fortune, charlatans, daredevils, entrepreneurs, explorers, fortune hunters, gamblers, globetrotters, hackers, opportunists, pirates and swashbucklers!
You are here, at this website, because you cracked the code! I put together a team of highly trained Autistic Monkeys and together they created an "Uncrackable Code”, slapped it up all over the Internet, and waited to see who would be able to decipher it. If you are here, you cracked the “Uncrackable Code” which means the monkeys are very stupid OR you are all brilliant, therefore the perfect candidates to join my army.
"But wait, who are you? What army? How do I order some shoes from this online shopping website?"
Good questions! Except for that last one... You can just (PROFOUND WORD DELETED) off back to EBay. Those questions will be answered in time, but for now just know that there is an army, there is a me, I have a name and that name will be revealed, that name has a Salutation, and that salutation is Baron, which means I am BARON VON SCHNITZEL.
For those of you who don’t know me, I will be your Dictator for this evening. As you can see I am sporting the latest fashion that Dictators are wearing this summer. A beautiful black cape with a delightful crimson silk inner lining, a gorgeous black peaked cap adorned with an intricate silver military badge on the front matching my eye patch - a simple, yet elegant accessory - and last, but not least, on my left hip, sheathed exquisitely is my broadsword and on my right hip, in a delicately designed holster, is my trusty Beretta. Black is the new pink.
And as simply as that, you are now part of my army. You will not be asked for loyalty to the army or myself, I care not for those things. I am just going to transfer a bucket load of cash into your personal accounts. Would that be okay? Do I care if you love me? Nope. You work for me, or I fire you. And by fire you, I mean kill you. And by kill you, I mean set you on fire. And by setting you on fire, I mean I will douse your body in gasoline, smoke a cigarette dangerously close to you… and then set fire to you.
Yes, you are mine now. Regardless to how you navigated to this website, whether you cracked the "uncrackable code", was shoe shopping or a straight up Google search, YOU ARE NOW MINE.
Welcome to my army. You are now part of the "Hairless Chipmunks". From here, you will be sent to processing, where your clothes will be removed and all hair from your body will be shaved. You will be issued your Hairless Chipmunk rifle, your Hairless Chipmunk first aid kit, your Hairless Chipmunk Helmet and, of course, your Hairless Chipmunk which is the official mascot of the Hairless Chipmunks.
Once your equipment has been issued, you will be sent off to battle where you will fight one of our greatest enemies of all time.
A man who believes he fights for the good of the world. A man who believes he had me successfully killed in a freakish bandsaw accident, when in fact all he did was kill my body double (By the by, a job position of body double has just been made available) A man who believes his member is firm and lengthy when in truth, it is barley existent, hard to find, the width of a toothpick, and smells like a labia left out in the sun for 5 weeks.
This man is whom we are fighting. This man is who stands in our way of world domination. This man is Captain Douglas L Oakwood
You will fight, you will win and you will most probably die in the process, leaving me victorious. But at least you’ll be rich, so NO COMPLAINTS!
So let us go forth and defeat this common enemy, sail the seas, bury our treasure, purchase more treasure and invent the electric abacus...
(Insert Chipmunk #347 stepping forward and explaining that the electronic abacus has, in fact, already been invented and that, in fact, it isn’t called an electric abacus, it is called a calculator)
(Insert the Baron smiling)
You're new here, aren't you?
(Insert Chipmunk #347 smiling, nodding his head)
You don't know me very well, do you?
(Insert Chipmunk #347 shaking his head)
Come here, for a sec...
(Insert the Baron beckoning his right arm for Chipmunk #347 to come over)
(Insert a nervous Chipmunk #347 stepping forward)
Let me just point out a few facts... (Insert the Baron checking Chipmunk #347's name tag)... well... for a start you don't have a name. You have a number. Mmmm. What could that mean? We'll get back to that. Not only are you just a number, you are on a secret island with a volcano shaped like a monkey's head AKA my secret lair. And what type of lair it? It's an evil lair. Because I'm evil.
Were you here yesterday?
(Insert a nervous Chipmunk #347 nodding)
Do you remember when I made that joke about cancer, laughed, and then started to rape puppies?
(Insert a crying Chipmunk #347 nodding)
That wasn't very nice of me, was it?
(Insert a crying Chipmunk #347 shaking his head)
I'm just a straight up (PROFOUND WORD DELETED) aren't I?
(Insert a crying Chipmunk #347 nodding)
DID YOU JUST CALL ME A (PROFOUND WORD DELETED)?!?
Where was I? Oh yes, THE CALCULATOR.
Fight on Chipmunks!
The Inventor of the Calculator and a straight up (PROFOUND WORD DELETED)