(Insert the Baron shuffling out of his room, wearing nothing but a dressing gown, slippers and his trusty broadsword)

(Insert the Baron shuffling over to the Chipmunk bar and grabbing a bottle of Chipmunk Vodka)

(Insert the Baron shuffling over to his Chipmunk dictation microphone)

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Chipmunks …

All direction in my life is gone. World domination seems pointless now. As you know, our enemy, our nemesis, our adversary, our antagonist, our foe, our opponent, our opposition, our assailant, our contender, our archenemy, the very very very very bad person ...

(Insert the Baron’s thesaurus exploding and killing several Chipmunks with noun shrapnel.)

… The one and only Captain Douglas L Oakwood is dead. 

(Insert the Baron drinking from the bottle.)

I mean, what’s the point in dominating the world if no one is going to stop us? 

(Insert the Baron drinking from the bottle.)

It’s too easy, that’s the problem! I mean, we stole nukes from North Korea -  just waltzed right in and took them! 

… We do have the nukes, don’t we?

(Insert Chipmunk #98 nodding.)

You see? Too easy. All that and before lunch! I haven’t even had a shower yet. I could blow up any country or continent I want whilst scratching my balls. In fact, scratching my balls is more of a challenge than what I currently face. So many questions. Do I stretch and scratch or do I pinch and roll? Mind-boggling compared to the obstacles I face with world domination. And let’s face facts, they’re non-existent. 

*sigh*

(Insert the Baron drinking from the bottle.)

[PROFOUND WORD DELETED] this, I’m going back to bed. 

(Insert Chipmunk #986 asking for orders.)

I don’t know … Blow up China?

(Insert Chipmunk #765 saluting.)

(Insert Chipmunk #765 pressing the LAUNCH NUCLEAR WEAPON button.)

(Insert the Baron shuffling back to bed.)

(Insert alarm sound coming from the Chipmunk console.) 

(Insert Chipmunk #986 and Chipmunk #765 scratching their heads and muttering about the alarm.)

(Insert the Baron racing back.)

What is it? What’s going on?

(Insert the shrugging of many shoulders.)

C’mon people, talk to me. What’s happening? Where’s the latest report?

(Insert Chipmunk #986 handing a piece of paper to the Baron.)

(Insert the Baron reading out loud)

Nothing’s wrong, everything’s ok. All systems go.  No need to worry or lose your temper. Please don’t lose your temper …

(Insert the Baron glaring at Chipmunk #986.)

(Insert Chipmunk #986 crying, pleading, begging.)

(Insert the unsheathing of a broadsword.)

(Insert the inserting of a broadsword.)

(Insert Chipmunk #986 dropping dead.)

(Insert the Baron turning and glaring atChipmunk #765.)

Now. Give me a [PROFOUND WORD DELETED] report!

(Insert Chipmunk #765 handing a piece of paper to the Baron.)

(Insert the Baron reading out loud)

My dear Sharon,

If you are reading this, I am probably dead. 

By now, the Baron has killed me for doing something that I shouldn’t have. Perhaps I disobeyed an order. Perhaps I obeyed an order I should have disobeyed. Or perhaps I accidentally handed him this letter when I should have handed him a battle report. Wouldn’t that be silly ...

(Insert the Baron glaring at Chipmunk #765.)

(Insert Chipmunk #765 crying, pleading, begging.)

(Insert the unsheathing of a broadsword.)

(Insert the inserting of a broadsword.)

(Insert Chipmunk #765 dropping dead.)

(Insert the Baron looking at the rest of the Chipmunk soldiers standing around.)

Seriously, if I don’t get a report soon, I’m going to kill every [PROFOUND WORD DELETED] last one of you!

(Insert Chipmunk #662 stepping forward and handing the Baron a report.)

(Insert the Baron reading)

The nuke that was launched has been destroyed. Intelligence confirms that Captain Douglas L Oakwood’s forces destroyed the nuke using a Counterforce Ballistic Missile …

Wait … He’s alive?!

(Insert Chipmunk #662 nodding.)

He’s [PROFOUND WORD DELETED] alive?

(Insert the Baron smashing the bottle of vodka against the wall.)

Right, time to get serious …

(Insert the Baron throwing off his dressing gown and kicking off his slippers.)

(Insert the Baron putting his hands on his hips.)

First thing first, shut that [PROFOUND WORD DELETED] alarm off. Then send out an Emergency response squad, see if they can’t find the [PROFOUND WORD DELETED] who destroyed our nuke. If they do find the enemy, bring them back here for interrogation. In the meantime, have my clothes laundered, run a hot shower and make me a stack of pancakes. 

(Insert Chipmunk #662 staring at the Baron’s naked body)

Did you hear what I said? 

(Insert Chipmunk #662 staring at the Baron’s naked body)

Hello?

(Insert the Baron snapping his fingers in front of Chipmunk #662’s face.)

(Insert Chipmunk #662 snapping out of it.)

Did you hear what I said?

(Insert Chipmunk #662 nodding.)

Good. Nice work, by the way. What’s your name?

(Insert Chipmunk #662 pointing to the name tag that says Chipmunk #662.)

No, I meant, what’s your real name? 

(Insert Chipmunk #662 whispering into the Baron’s ear.)

Amelia Luther? Well Amelia, you’ve really helped me out today. You and your … tight fitting … Chipmunk uniform … You know what? I’m going to promote you. How would you like to be my second-in-command?

(Insert Amelia nodding.)

Excellent. My orders from before are to be carried out immediately. Then after I have dressed  I will … inspect you … to make sure you are hairless … Yes … Yes, that will do nicely … 

(Insert Amelia nodding.)

I’m back in business, baby!

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Understaffed and Overhung

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