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Verbatim Transcript of Captured Prisoner, Baron Von Schnitzel

(Captured by Capt. Douglas L Oakwood during the assault of Isla de la Cabeza del Mono Secreto.)

PROSECUTOR

All rise.

JUDGE

Be seated everyone. 

PROSECUTOR

This Tribunal is being conducted on this date at 0730 hours on Her Majesty’s Ship (HMS) Dreadlock just off the coast of Isla de la Cabeza del Mono Secreto. The following personnel are present: Field Marshal Mathers, Judge Advocate. Captain Douglas L Oakwood, Witness. Sergeant Amelia Luthar, Witness & Undercover Operative. Private Baxter Hollingsworth, Prosecutor. Baron Von Schnitzel, Prisoner of War

Let the records show that the witnesses have sworn and affirmed that they will faithfully perform their allocated duties in this court, so help them God.

JUDGE

Very well. Let’s get on with this. 

PROSECUTOR

Yes M’lud. The Court recognises Baron Von Schnitzel, prisoner number 443, captured in the recent conflict during the assault of Isla de la Cabeza del Mono Secreto, lead by the courageous Captain Douglas L Oakwood. 

 [Jury cheers]

CAPT. OAKWOOD

’Twas nothing chaps. Just a good ol’ spot of English bravery for Queen, and, of course, for country.

JUDGE

Have the prisoner step forward.

 [Jury boos and hisses]

JUDGE

Quiet! I will have none of that in my court. Besides, there will be plenty of time for that after we have a fair trial and find this man guilty of war crimes. Continue, please.

PROSECUTOR

Yes M’lud. The Crown calls Amelia Luther to the stand. 

[LUTHER takes the stand]

BARON

Bitch!

PROSECUTOR

Your name and rank is Sergeant Amelia Luther, is that correct?

AMELIA

Yes.

BARON

Whore!

PROSECUTOR

Can you explain to the court what your mission was?

AMELIA

I was to infiltrate the Baron’s secret base, pose as a Chipmunk and relay information back to Captain Oakwood. 

BARON

Double backstabbing enchanting Harlot!

JUDGE

ENOUGH!

PROSECUTOR

You asked to be extracted at one point, is that correct?

AMELIA

Yes.

PROSECUTOR

Why was that? 

AMELIA

Several reasons. After three weeks disguised as a Chipmunk soldier, I was promoted. This gave me access to the Baron’s plans that included an assassination attempt on the Captain, destruction of the moon and profuse bleeding out of my vagina, rendering me useless. Once I learned of these plans, getting information back to Captain Oakwood was essential. 

PROSECUTOR

But you could have done this through telecommunications, correct? You didn’t need to be extracted?

AMELIA

The mission … got complicated. 

PROSECUTOR

How so?

AMELIA

The Baron started to get … friendly with me.

PROSECUTOR

So? It’s part of your training, is it not? To ‘bed’ the enemy if need be? Do what one must to get the information?

AMELIA

Yes … but …

PROSECUTOR

I will remind you, you have sworn an affirmation.

AMELIA

A couple of months before my mission Capt Oakwood and I … started to ... know each other very well. One thing led to another …

BARON

You fucked him?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Hey! 

BARON

Well I’m sorry but … I’m surprised, that’s all. You are rather portly.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Well … you look like a thumb! 

BARON

A thumb? 

CAPT. OAKWOOD

I panicked. 

[JUDGE bangs gavel]

JUDGE

ORDER! ORDER!

PROSECUTOR

Please continue, Amelia.

AMELIA

Anyway feelings had developed between the Captain and I. Needless to say I was eager to return to base. Then something happened. Something changed. The Baron is a cruel man, I have no doubt. I’ve seen, first hand, some of the atrocities he has committed and I don’t agree with them … but at the same time, there is this childlike aspect that is … attractive.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Attractive? That hairy baboon?

AMELIA

Please let me explain. One night the Baron came to me and sprayed me in the face with pepper spray. I couldn’t see a thing, I was in so much pain. When I asked why he sprayed me, he simply said, ‘I wanted a blind date with you’. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. I explained that wasn’t how blind dates worked and he apologised profusely. To make it up to me, he took me for a ride on his motorcycle and drove me safely, in first gear all the way, to the downtown area of Chicago. I gripped onto his sculptured chest and smelled his alluring cologne. He  took me to the Hard Rock Cafe and insisted I eat at his Hard Rock. He then sprayed me in the face with pepper spray again, gagged me, took me back to base, covered me in seaweed and ate me out like a fat man at a sushi bar …

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Wow … Just wow.

AMELIA

Afterwards, I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone but on my bedside table there was a brown paper bag with a bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon and a bucket of fried chicken with a note that said, ‘Do not eat! This is for me tonight. I want to eat this while you shave my back. Remember, piss on the razor. That makes it hygienic’. No one had ever uttered such sweet words to me. 

CAPT. OAKWOOD

I think I’m going to be sick. 

JUDGE

Well, I think we have heard enough. 

[JUDGE turns to PROSECUTOR]

Hollingsworth, did you get what you needed from this witness?

PROSECUTOR

Um … well … to be honest, I can’t even remember what the point of this witness was. 

JUDGE

Very well, you may step down Sergeant. Who’s next?

PROSECUTOR

The crown calls Captain Oakwood to the stand. 

[CAPT. OAKWOOD takes the stand]

Your full name and rank is Captain Douglas … Sorry sir, are you crying?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

I feel ugly.

PROSECUTOR

Oh no sir! That is far from the truth. You are dashing, sir, dashing! Your golden moustache reminds us how manly you are, yet your round and plump bosom with rose coloured nipples emanate your delicacy … er … I mean … delicate nature. But if you were a delicacy … such a yummy delicacy you would be …

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Private, I warned you about nibbling on me before.

PROSECUTOR

Yes sir.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Besides, this is neither the time nor the place … Well it’s pretty close to lunch, actually. What say you, Field Marshal? Shall we stop for a bite to eat and a spot of tea?

JUDGE

No. 

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Blast.

JUDGE

But you can have a cup of tea and nibble on a danish while you testify. 

CAPT. OAKWOOD

We can? I didn’t think that was allowed. I just told off Private Hollingsworth for nibbling on me … 

JUDGE

A danish is a pastry treat. 

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Oh … Right … Well, just a cup of tea for me then.

PROSECUTOR

Captain Oakwood, you captured the Baron, did you not?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Yes. I mean no! Wait ... am I in trouble?

PROSECUTOR

No.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Then yes.

PROSECUTOR

May I ask why you attacked the Baron’s forces?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Why … I? 

PROSECUTOR

Attacked the Baron’s forces?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Well … it’s obvious isn’t it?

PROSECUTOR

No.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

No, of course not … it’s not obvious … Why did I attack? Let’s see … Why did I attack?

PROSECUTOR

You were ordered to observe and defend your current position, is that correct?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Yes. I mean no! Wait ... am I in trouble?

PROSECUTOR

No.
    
CAPT. OAKWOOD

Then yes. Hmmm, let’s see. Why did I attack?

PROSECUTOR

I put it to you sir, that you misunderstood a report from Sergeant Amelia Luther.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Misunderstood? There was nothing to misunderstand! The Baron had his cock out and could have seriously hurt her, maybe even take out one of her eyes. 

PROSECUTOR

Do you even know what a COCK is?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Now hang on … 

PROSECUTOR

This is a COCK.

[PROSECUTOR produces a bag]

JUDGE

Let the records show that Private Hollingsworth is holding up the Baron’s COCK in a plastic bag.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

That’s not a cock! That’s a pen!

PROSECUTOR

No sir, that’s a Climate Overdrive Controlled Kamikaze machine. This is what Amelia was talking about in her report. This is what the Baron was putting down her cleavage.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Oh … I see

PROSECUTOR

So it’s fair to say you made a mistake and accidentally gave orders to assault on the Baron’s position?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Yes. I mean no! Wait ... am I in trouble?

PROSECUTOR

No.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Then yes.

PROSECUTOR

Thank you sir, no more questions. 

JUDGE

You may sit down, Captain. 

PROSECUTOR

Crown calls on Baron Von Schnitzel

[Jury gasps. BARON takes the stand]

PROSECUTOR

I put it to you that you are Baron Von Schnitzel. Is that correct?

BARON

Correct.

PROSECUTOR

M’lud, I would like it recorded that the prisoner is naked.

JUDGE

Very well. 

[to BARON]

Can I ask why you are naked?

BARON

Ask your Captain over there.

CAPT. OAKWOOD

We found him like that.

BARON

What a load of horse dung! You stripped me! You fondled me! You covered me in honey and dipped me in chocolate mousse!

CAPT. OAKWOOD

That’s a lie! You wanted the mousse!

BARON

I can’t handle the mousse!

[JUDGE bangs gavel]

JUDGE:

ENOUGH! I will not have my Courtroom filled with bickering and terrible law parodies! Now bloody well get on with this!

PROSECUTOR

Yes M’lud. 

[to BARON]

Are you or are you not the leader of the notorious Hairless Chipmunks?

BARON

Well I wouldn’t call them notorious.

PROSECUTOR

No? What would you call them?

BARON

Hairless.

PROSECUTOR

But they have committed notorious crimes, have they not?

BARON

No, they carried out my orders. If what they have done is considered notorious then it is by my will and no one else’s. Let’s get one thing straight you tie wearing, snot wad, cow licker. My army is not the notorious one. I’m the one people should fear. I’m the one that’s notorious and if I don’t get the proper trembling of fear from you that is due, I will be inserting a large pineapple up your bottom. 

PROSECUTOR

M’lud, I do protest …

JUDGE

Oh shut up Hollingsworth, it’s widely known that you lick cows. I think it’s fair to say we know who this man is, why he is here and how evil this son-of-a-bitch can be so let’s move this along to a pace that suits me. 

PROSECUTOR

Very well sir. 

[to BARON]

After hearing the evidence against you, how do you plead? 

BARON

Guilty.

PROSECUTOR

You … you do? 

BARON

Damn straight I do. I know I’m the bad guy of the piece.

PROSECUTOR

You do realise that you will be hanged by your own admission?

BARON

Ah, well no. 

PROSECUTOR

So you didn’t know. 

BARON

No, I mean, I won’t hang.

PROSECUTOR

Be assured, sir, you most certainly will be. The Queen’s justice is harsh, yet fair. 

BARON

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. A sort of a client-attorney-privilege type of a secret … I wanted to be here.

PROSECUTOR

You wanted ..?

BARON

I wanted to be captured. I allowed myself to be captured. You see, the good Field Marshal Mathers has been a thorn in my side for quite sometime. Oh sure, Captain Oakwood is my enemy but he’s not the one calling the shots. It is through the Captain that the Field Marshal has thwarted my efforts, and it was through my capture that I am close enough to do … THIS!

[BARON produces gun]

PROSECUTOR

OH MY GOD!

JUDGE

WATCH OUT!

CAPT. OAKWOOD

PROTECT THE FIELD MARSHALL!

[GUNSHOT]

PROSECUTOR

Can’t see anything … Where did this smoke come from?

CAPT. OAKWOOD

Secure the room, turn the lights back on and open a goddan window to get rid of this smoke!

PROSECUTOR

Sir … Oh my god …

CAPT. OAKWOOD

What is it? 

PROSECUTOR

The Baron is gone … and Field Marshal Mathers … is dead!

[END TRANSCRIPT]

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